Sunday, July 1, 2012

Flatulent Ghost Stories

Those of you among my reading audience who are frail of heart or who are disturbed by vivid descriptions of supernatural events involving the ghosts of smelly insane murderers, talk show host phantoms and gay wedding planner apparitions may want to skip this article. Fair warning to all - It is my intention to use the razor sharp writing skills and clever literary techniques that we professional writers have been given by the divine grace of God to scare the poop out of you. What you are about to read may alter your perception of reality or at the very least force you to sleep with a kitten on your head. Here are true ghost stories that are so horrific that I urge all of you not to eat your fingers off (or other body appendages) in pure terror as these tales unfold before your unbelieving eyes. Read on if you dare!

The Flatulent Ghost of Piggly Manor

In the small village of Eddington, England, there is a stately manor home that sits atop a small hill surrounded by grey, treeless moors. Or perhaps the manor home sits upon a grey tree in a small moor, surrounded by a stately hill - I get confused that way sometimes. Either way I expect you to cooperate in your reading and imagine the scene as quite dreary and unsettling. This imposing estate has the aristocratic name of Piggly Manor. Overnight guests at this manor have reported many frightening encounters with a apparition so vile and so unbearable to witness that many guests doubt their sanity after their encounter. These guests have all become the disgusted victims of The Flatulent Ghost of Piggly Manor.

Guests to the manor home report being on the verge of sleep, when suddenly a foul odor roughly equivalent in power to the combined farts of 25 gaseous bulldogs fills the room. After initially blaming and pushing their innocent spouses out of the bed, the guests are startled to see an eerie light begin to fill the room. The bewildered guests then hear the unmistakable sounds of footsteps and butt toots coming up the deserted hallway to their room door. Suddenly the door is thrown open and "It" enters the room.

Peering out from under their bedcovers, manor guests report seeing a grossly overweight English gentleman in a dressing gown, float through the door to their room holding a candle and a copy of the London Times under his arm. The portly apparition hurries to the bathroom while emitting loud and noxious flatulence, pulls up his dressing gown and sits down on the porcelain throne - without even having the common decency to close the door. He begins to read a news story in the London Times describing a postman who humorously delivered mail to a haberdashery in Darby that was meant to be sent to the Queen. The ghost begins to laugh fiendishly at the delightfully funny story. To the horror of the disbelieving witnesses, the huge ghost next proceeds to engage in a series of bathroom waste elimination processes that assault their senses in every way possible.

Farts louder than an atomic explosion, and smells more horribly disgusting than a room full of skunks with poor hygiene fill the room. The nasty ghost continues to sit on the toilet calmly reading his copy of The London Times as his odor pollution fills the nauseous guest's bedroom. After five minutes of this rude and obnoxious behavior, the Flatulent Ghost is finally done. In a final act of behavioral completely outside of the social norms, the apparition turns to the terrified room occupants, wishes them a good night and floats from the room, WITHOUT flushing the toilet. Guests or hotel staff members are left with the unnerving job of flushing ghost poop down the toilet. Tidy Bowl - Extra Strength is highly recommended.

The Phantom of the Oprah

Although staff members were reportedly told not to discuss the matter in public, sources close to The Oprah Winfrey Show reveal that this treasured talk show was haunted for years by a mysterious creepy, phantom of the night. No, I am not talking about Dr. Phil. I am talking about a masked ghostly figure who would appear suddenly backstage or in the rafters of the theater to terrorize guests and staff members of the show.

The first encounter with The Phantom of the Oprah occurred when frequent guest, Sean Connery, reported that an intruder in a black cape and mask had suddenly appeared in his dressing room. The intruder pranced around the room making noises like a chicken and then told the former James Bond that he liked him in "Thunderball", but never cared for "Goldfinger". The Phantom explained that he found that movie to be poorly written and derivative. He then pulled out a flyswatter and hit Mr. Connery's pet poodle on the butt. He ran from the room and disappeared into the dark backstage rafters. It was reported that Sean Connery was shaken, but not stirred.

A few weeks later, Oprah had her own "aha moment" with the Phantom. Always a true professional, Oprah was preparing for her upcoming show that day on "dangerous dieting", by making herself throw up after eating an entire cow for lunch. Just as she was about to stick her fingers down her throat for a second round of vomiting, she felt a gloved hand grab her wrist. She turned around to see a masked apparition, standing behind her. Too afraid to even speak, Oprah listened in disbelief as The Phantom asked if she had any hot taco sauce he could borrow. She stammered "no", and the ghost politely thanked her, left the room and caught a taxi to Taco Bell.

The final known victim of the Phantom of the Oprah was movie star Robin Williams. Staff members were shaving Mr. Williams back hair to donate to one of Oprah's cancer-victim-hair-loss charities when an eerie light filled the room. Williams and staff members were amazed to see The Phantom emerge from a closet dressed in a cucumber costume and doing an impersonation of a pickle. Unable to resist the zany fun, comedian Williams joined The Phantom in a ten minute impromptu exchange of bad puns, impersonations and one-liners that had staff members rolling on the floor. After the ghostly encounter, Williams and The Phantom exchanged telephone numbers and promised to get together for lunch at Taco Bell sometime.

The Gay Ghost of Sigfreid's Bridal Salon

Brides shopping for bridal gowns and making wedding plans at Sigfreid's Bridal Salon in New York City have repotted many scary experiences at the store - none of which are the result of pre-wedding jitters. This classy wedding shop has the distinction of having the first openly gay ghost in haunting history. Store patrons have reported frequent visits by the well-dressed ghost of a former store employee who was tragically crushed by a bull that was deftly maneuvering through the salon's china shop.

Always quick with a lovely compliment or scornful rebuke of a bride's wedding gown choices, the Gay Ghost loves to appear and sit next to bridal salon customers as brides show off potential wedding dresses on the store's runway platform. His advice and comments are wonderfully witty and charming. "I'm so sorry, but "green" is not the right shade for you! It makes the color of your eyes disappear quicker than Mexicans when they see a flashing blue light;" "You must be joking me, that dress is cut so low, I see more boobs than in a Three Stooges movie;" and finally "That dress is lovely, but if you want to fit into it - no more Taco Bell."

Paranormal investigative teams that have spent the night in the store to document the haunting, have been able to collect quite a bit of information about the gay afterlife from the talkative and friendly ghost. He has informed investigators and mediums that life as a gay ghost is generally pretty good although it is difficult for gay ghosts to be accepted as true horrific apparitions of the night. He feels that demons, headless poltergeists and other ethereal phantoms do not take him seriously due to the effeminate nature of his haunting efforts. As an example of his frustration he recalled a recent haunting in which he said to his intended human haunting victim "Boo! For god's sake, please put a coaster under that drink on the table". Laughter ensued. The Gay Ghost is currently participating in afterlife group therapy with Liberace, J Edgar Hoover and Casper the Friendly Ghost.